Transcription:Where Are They Now?
(We see the evil wizard Skeletor on the news as he is about to jump off a bridge while police attempt to talk him down.) FEMALE NEWSCASTER: A jumper standoff of police came to a tragic end on the Brooklyn Bridge today as an unidentified skull-faced man brought traffic to a standstill for two hours before leaping to his death. (Skeletor jumps off the Brooklyn Bridge. Pan out to see Michael Moore as he pauses the video.) MICHAEL MOORE: All too common. You ever wonder what became of those playthings of yesteryear? If you're the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you're probably too busy counting money off the naked back of a $10,000 a night whore to care. But I ''care. (''A snapshot of Man-At-Arms dead on a street.) MICHAEL MOORE: Man-At-Arms: Killed in a hail of crip gunfire in the streets of south central Los Angeles. (A snapshot of Beast Man being exposed to a camera while holding a suitcase.) MICHAEL MOORE: Beast Man: Currently dodging child support payments under an assumed name in Akron, Ohio. We ''see you. (''A snapshot of Trap-Jaw dressed in a suit in front of a political building.) MICHAEL MOORE: Trap-Jaw: Now a South Dakota state senator. (Cut to Michael Moore in a shopping mall going up an escalator.) MICHAEL MOORE: Sad fates for the ones once known as the Masters of the Universe. (He comes up to Prince Adam/He-Man as a security guard.) MICHAEL MOORE: For more perspective, we've come to Prince Adam, best known as the champion of Eternia: He-Man. He-Man, you're currently employed as a mall security guard. How did it come to THIS? HE-MAN: Yeah, well- HEY, YOU! STOP!!!! (A boy shakes a gumball machine to get some bubble gum. Prince Adam pulls out the sword of Grayskull.) HE-MAN: By the power of Grayskull!!! (People begin to panic as lightning comes from the sword.) Man: Oh, my god! He's got a sword. (Cut to Lion-O holding a gun outside of his trailer home with WilyKit and WilyKat running around.) MICHAEL MOORE NARRATION: Once the leader of the mighty ThunderCats, today Lion-O is an unemployed construction worker staring down the big 4-0. (Cut inside the trailer where Lion-O does a personal interview.) LION-O: After Mumm-Ra died of testicular cancer, there wasn't nobody left for the ThunderCats to fight. We had to get REAL jobs. MICHAEL MOORE: Hm-Mmm. Was construction your first job? LION-O: Uh... (Cut to Lion-O being a stripper at a strip club and women are cheering and putting money down his pants.) (Cut back to trailer.) MICHAEL MOORE: Hm-Mmm. And how about the others? (Cut to Panthro in a prison cell with the number 1138 on the door.) LION-O VOICEOVER: Panthro's doing a dime in federal prison for selling junk bonds to senior citizens. (A guard with a gun is outside his door.) LION-O: And then eating them. (Snarf is found outside a Chinese building walking and mumbling when he's pulled in by a Chinese chef.) (Cut back to trailer.) LION-O: I don't know what happened to Snarf. MICHAEL MOORE: What happened to the team's sexy female member, Cheetara? (Cheetara is laying on a bed with cats crawling all over her.) LION-O: She's still my sexy lady, I guess. Oh, hey! You want to go out back and shoot some cans with a '22? (Cut to Michael Moore with the Decepticon Soundwave at a carnival.) MICHAEL MOORE: Not every toy meets with despair. Some like the Transformer known as Soundwave here have managed to find steady, honest work OUT of the limelight. Soundwave, what's the secret of your success? SOUNDWAVE: Well, I just try not to dwell on the past. I have a family to support now and- Can you hang on a minute? I've got a customer. (Soundwave transforms into a porta-potty and a fat guy rushes in.) MICHAEL MOORE: It may not seem like much, but it's an honest day's paycheck for an honest day's- (Michael Moore is cut off by loud farting.) MICHAEL MOORE: It's an honest- (Soundwave is shaking as the man has explosive diarrhea. Moore tells the cameraman to cut. Cut to an auto sale with Destro and Baroness.) MICHAEL MOORE: Some legends burn out or simply fade away. But, some manage to adapt to changing times. (Destro is polishing his head while being interviewed.) MICHAEL MOORE: Destro, you were once a member of COBRA, the ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. From arms dealer to used car dealer. What happened? DESTRO: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble. (Destro goes back to polishing himself and cut to a shopping channel with COBRA Commander and a KRP saleswoman showing a shirt for sale.) MICHAEL MOORE: And what became the once feared leader of COBRA: the notorious COBRA Commander? COBRA COMMANDER: Our callers just can't get enough of these double-belt, pleated pant suits! SALESWOMAN: I know. (Cut to Shipwreck outside of the same Chinese building mumbling something when he is also taken in by a Chinese man.) MICHAEL MOORE: Nobody knows what happened to Shipwreck. (Cut back to Michael Moore's studio.) MICHAEL MOORE: It's easy to forget about the toys that filled our happy, youthful days. But, as Americans, we must never forget to treat everyone with honor, decency, and respect. FEMALE VOICE: Am I done yet? MICHAEL MOORE: You'll know, She-Ra. You'll know. Category:Transcriptions